Thursday, January 07, 2010

In the Coop with Adam Selzer

Three things you should know about Adam Selzer:

1. He's a ghostbuster. Really.

2. He's just started a new blog called Playground Jungle where he collects subversive songs, rhymes and stories told on the playground throughout the ages. (Mama mia, papa pia!)

3. When he is not out and about uncovering paranormal phenomena or naughty ditties, he writes awesomely funny books on everything from American History to Zombies.

Without further ado, we give you the one and only Adam Selzer...

First act as Dictator for Life?

A law forcing George Lucas to admit publicly that Han Solo shot Greedo not in self defense, but in cold blood, on that grim afternoon in the Mos Eisley cantina. Such an act will gain me the respect of the peasants - even dictators occasionally get their heads cut off by an angry mob of peasants. But they'll never turn on the man who issued the Han Shot First decree.

What kids lit character would you like to vote off the island?

Warren Hatcher (Fudge's dad) as he appears in Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. He's very much an old fashioned hapless father who knows nothing about raising children in that one (though he's seen the error of his ways and become a much better fellow by Superfudge - a fun thing about those books is that the characters age only a few years, but 30 years have pretty clearly elapsed over the course of the series).

What kids lit character would you share your last twinkie with?'d want to give it to someone historical, wouldn't you? I'd much rather give my last twinkie to someone who was getting the chance to eat one for the first time. Anne of Green Gables would probably write an epic poem about it. So, her.

What TV family would you like to be adopted by?

Adam Huxtable has a nice ring to it, don't you think? I'm kind of a bum, but Cliff'd get me in shape.

Worst job in the universe?

Visa executive. I'd have to wake up every day knowing I suck, and I always will, and that no jury would convict a guy for punching me in the face.

Well, either that, or poop salesman. That would be HARD. I'm now writing a book called "Brendan Butte: Poop Salesman." Eat your heart out, Andrew Clements!

Dream job for a day?

Visa executive puncher.

Marx Brothers or Three Stooges?

Marx Brothers.

Clown V. Mime Deathmatch. Pick your winner.

Oh, please. Like a pantomime selzer bottle can stand up to a real one? The best clowns are trained as mimes, so they have all the same skills, PLUS a bunch of dangerous props.

Funniest dead person you’d like to meet?

No one is funnier than William Taft. Not that HE was all that funny, but the guy is a comic gold mine - like socks, monkeys, and butts. That's a tip, writers - when in doubt. Taft, Van Buren, and James K. Polk are the funniest presidents. Some people say Millard Fillmore, but those people are wrong.

Best use for a book shaped object? (You know, one of those things sold as books but which should never ever have been published.)

Add an L bracket and some tape and you've got yourself a new bookshelf going, man!

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